Feb 23, 2021
10 Signs Your Quarantine Cutie Might be Breaking Up with You
Trust us, now is the time for you to break up with them before they break up with you.
by Jan Miller and Matt Struck
We all knew that feeling in our pre-covid lives when our crush wasn’t exactly crushing back. Dating has never been easy, let alone in a global pandemic. From the person you’re eyeing to the person you’re crying next to in bed every night, here are ten signs your cutie might be out the door forever.
10. You sent them a link to your Netflix Watch party and got no response.
You decided to watch BRIDGERTON, a sultry drama about two hotties lying to themselves and everyone around them, gallivanting as if they’re not completely into each other. Thinking that the how-long-can-we-pretend-not-to-be-in-love vibes will send signals to your Quaran-QT that you two can be love torn as well, you await the return text that never comes. You are once again binge watching this romance alone in your apartment in the sole company of a bag of Cheetos that won’t make it to the first commercial break. An evening so not hot, they aren’t even Hot Cheetos.
9. They’ve been staying “late at the office.”
This is insulting because the “office” is an old lazy-boy set up with a tv tray and a desk in a corner of the living room. No one has zoom calls this late, they’re definitely pulling away. If they start “sleeping at the office” because they’re “just too swamped at work,” dump them and their lazy boy. Get a plant for that corner. It will love you more.
8. You send a flirty, “U up? ;)” and they respond, “I’m asleep.”
I’m sorry to have to tell you this but interest. is. lost. Obviously, they are not asleep; if they were asleep, they wouldn’t have to tell you. Duh. Plus, Instagram wouldn’t say “Active Now!”
7. They suddenly up’d their Sanitizer Game.
Normally you and your Q-QT apply the same cheap vodka that’s been sitting in the back of the cupboard since this was a college house. But all of a sudden, they’ve started wearing an aloe vera echinacea gel with lavender. Who are they trying to impress?? It better not be that hottie Sam from their zoom work calls.
6. They took the family Christmas photo while you were in the bathroom. Coincidence?
This is especially painful considering that this year, the family Christmas photo was a screenshot of a zoom call. That’s downright uncalled for, especially after you took the time to send a nicely written email to their Mom, Karen, sharing a stuffing recipe (that you copied from the internet because it had 5 stars and you were trying to impress). Well, if that’s how they want to act you don’t want to be a part of that family anyways. Besides, Karen is the worst.
5. You usually spend time together with a sexy 6 feet of separation but lately they’ve been keeping their distance at an awkward 8.
Following CDC guidelines isn’t the most intimate experience but you two have adapted. Whether it be a picnic in a park or dinner in a dome you two flirt with a cozy six feet between you. But lately they seem further away… literally. WTHicketyHeck is up with that? It could be your natural deodorant or it might just be you.
4. You notice a new user on your NETFLIX account.
You are all for sharing resources; heck in many ways you consider yourself the Bernie Sanders of sharing passwords. But it’s kind of awkward when you log in and it’s you, your pandemic babe, that one guy from that one class in college, your Mom, and now someone named S@M. SRSLY?! You did not give them permission to share your NETFLIX password, especially not with Sam! If your honey is on the same episode of BRIDGERTON as Sam, it’s all over for you, sweetie, and you need to change your password. (And for crying out loud, only send this new password to your Mom.)
3. You saw them on tinder.
Okay, okay, in your defense you forgot to uninstall it! Maybe that’s what happened to them too. It’s okay to look. Plus, you were only looking to see if you recognized people who you know IRL. No harm in hunting for a little chuckle — it means nothing. Besides, you and your honey met on tinder — you know they have one. But wait — if you met on Tinder why are you seeing them again? And didn’t you take that picture of them? Yeah, you took it last week! This is a new account! Since when do they fish?!
2. They watched THE QUEEN’S GAMBIT without you.
Don’t make excuses for them, they could have waited. You’re out here treating everyone like Kings and Queens, but you’re still left taking L’s like a knight. What an absolute pin.
1. You sent your LDQC (long-distance quarantine cutie) nudes and you didn’t get the response you expected.
First off it took them three days to respond. Ouch. And when they did, you realized all they sent was a thumbs-up emoji. Super Ouch. Save your dignity and swipe through Tinder for real this time. Maybe Sam will be there.
Written by Jan Miller and Matt Struck. Little known fact, Jan and Matt attended the same alternative high school and if you met them in real life you would think, “Yeah that makes sense.”
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